I am so sorry

I am so sorry that

I don’t want you.
The want has sort of
disappeared, faded,
and transformed into
distant memory
taking with it
all of the baggage
that once was me.

I know sometimes
words slip out
like disease
repeating echoes
of what once was felt,
but it’s just the
shattered remnants
of the then
reaching gasping for breath
trying to grasp the humanity
that was once there.
How can I blame it
for trying? We are
always told to try
and sometimes I realize
I try accidentally…

hanging that bait
before your head
leading you into my rusted trap
where it will snap
grasping your leg
injecting you with
a thought, a venom, a hope
as you struggle to figure
out WHY?–(yet, still no answers)
and wondering when I’m going to
come and save the day…

the chances are
I’m not…

I stand there
hesitant to help
hesitant to fall
back into a backtrack
ignoring the advancement
I’ve made in the definition
of who is me.

I realize that I’ve
chipping off a part of
a soul. Whether mine
or yours I’m not quite
sure. (The chances are
it’s probably
both.)

One could argue
I’m soulless
during such attacks,
but if you were me at night
staring at the glow
of candle you would
know I’m nothing
but a soul
confused trying
to put together the puzzle
the words that make
me go.

I stare at your blood
dripping
through the
trails and traps
in
the
pathways
of my mind.

I want to help.
I want to be nice to you.
I want to nurture you.
I want to give breath back to those moments.
I want to be me, like I was
before, but I can’t
because I’m somebody
else and I’m craving
something new, something
different, something without name
because I’ve yet to
christen it
with language.

Memories
guiding me through
the walks, the thunder,
the hourly bell tolls,
the late night talks
that still got us
no where, but here
a nostalgic jealousy
of a me in past yelling out
a message
to this page which is
only to tell you

I could never love you,

but still in unconscious I try and try
and the night still comes
only reminding me
the importance of staying
silent, mouth shut,
and so I can finally
set right
some our

regrets.

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One thought on “I am so sorry

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