Naked; today I tried to impress a girl at the gym.

today I tried to impress a girl at the gym.

Early this morning
I looked at my flabby ass
jiggle its shock waves
in the mirror and thought
“maybe I should go to the
gym” which I did because
physical fitness
always seems like a
good idea, but
then the inevitable

It was somewhere
around the chest
press thinger and the
arm flexing doo-hickie

(let’s face it,
I don’t know the equipment names)

while I was jamming
out to my “Irish Drinking song work-out”
playlist around the song
“Black Velvet Band” when some girl about my ages
was sitting at the machine
across the way facing me.
Her sweat glistened like
diamonds I found her the queen of the land
and her hair was pulled back with a black sweat band
or maybe that’s just bastardized lyrics
to the song I was listening to…
I’m not quite sure.


I’m usually a humble man
who doesn’t really give a
“rat’s ass” (as my father would say)
about what people think of me, but
possibly it was the testosterone,
possibly it was the madness, or possibly
it was just the dreams of
being a suave son of a bitch from the movies…

I increased the weight.

Lessons of low weight, high reps
instantly became high weights,
high reps, and no soul.
Pain became inspiration,
and Inspiration was useless.

She wasn’t paying attention.

We did end up with some sort
of connection, our
routine (which mine was just
made up on the spot) followed
machines across from each other.

Each machine was the same
story until she went onto
one of those thigh presses
and I went into the
locker room to chug
water and eventually cry.

After I got myself
to drive home,  I took
a long bath in order to calm down
my screaming muscles, but

when I did finally
merge from the water
my body ached with

I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t bend over, I
couldn’t lift my arms, and
my legs were barely able
to haul my egotistical
ass over to my bed.

damn, I need a beer, but
I don’t have the energy to get

So that’s left me here,
naked, wet and laying
on my bed reviewing
wincing over keystrokes

my past actions–
my penance for being male

naked, beerless, and pissed.


3 thoughts on “Naked; today I tried to impress a girl at the gym.

  1. No matter what you look like, at some point you will do something silly to impress. I think it’s hardwired into our heads. I’ve never done the gym thing… but I’ve said numerous things that I look back on and cringe, just because I was trying so hard. Loved this though

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